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Scout Humor

You just may be a scoutmaster...

From: Bruce Major
Subject: Warning Signs

You just may be a scoutmaster...

...if most of your wardrobe is olive drab or khaki.

... you have holes in the pockets of your jeans from carrying a pocket knife.

... you begin to think half frozen french fries don't taste all that bad.

... you keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner.

... you spontaneously break into strange songs in public.

... you can stare at a spider web for an hour, and not notice the time passing.

... you carry your own toilet paper wherever you go.

... you always read by a flashlight.

... your radio is always tuned to the weather station.

... you horde tent stakes.

... you wear 2 pairs of socks to bed.

... you keep a lantern hanging outside your bathroom door.

... you sleep under a trash bag.

... you cannot walk by a piece of trash without picking it up.

... you carry a dufflebag size first-aid kit in your car.

... you always have hat hair.

... you continue to wear it until it stands on it's own.

... you're always counting how many matches you have left.

... you know all the words to "Little Bunny Foo-Foo", but can't remember where you left your briefcase.

... you see paint samples in a store and immediately want to name things in nature with the same colors.

... your pots and pans are all black.

... you roast a mini-marshmallow on a paper clip over a candle; then put

it on a golden graham with one square of chocolate, just to get the flavor.

... you always cook enough food for twelve.

... all your clothes smell like pickles (from the bucket).

... pie iron pizzas is the best meal you've had all week.

... you always have a cup hooked to your belt.

... all your dishes have little pieces of egg stuck on them.

... you own little bits of every color felt.

... you open letters with a pocket knife.

... you have something on your shoe...and you're sure it's only mud.

... you eat ants on a log and like it.

... you wear bread bags on your feet.

... you know 365 one pot meals.

... if your "microwave" is a box wrapped in foil.

... when opening large gifts, you survey the box wondering if you gave a piece of foil large enough to cover it.

... you buy your shampoo in little tiny bottles.

... you order pizzas 14 at a time.

... you have the urge to help little old ladies...whether they want it or not.

... everything in your cupboard says "Instant, just add water".

... your neighbors hide when they see you going door to door with "that order form" again.

... you have to go to the restroom and you start looking for a buddy.

... you really do use those emergency sewing kits.

... you go to someone's house for dinner, don't like the food, and ask if they have peanut butter and jelly.

... you see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle.

... you know 100 uses for a bandana.

... all your shirts have pin holes in them.

... you wear thongs in the shower.

... you actually own the book, "How to Sh*t in the Woods".

... you have a collection of used candles and dryer lint.

... someone asks for a volunteer and you find your hand is already in the air.

... your favorite cologne is "Deep Woods Off!".

... you can't remember which hand to shake with in the office on Monday morning.

... you miss the "floaties" and "sinkers" in the office coffee.

... your computer password is "SMF BoR YiS."

... you miss "cargo pockets."

... you REALLY LOVE your self-inflating sleep pad.

... you have the end of every rope at home backspliced or whipped.

... you correct someone who says "Gee, I used to be an Eagle Scout", and then get him to volunteer in your Troop.

... you always have a boy registration and adult leader application in your red bag. And you have to keep replacing them.

... you deeply understand the potential of a group working together.

... you camp for a week in the summer with about a dozen old guys; about

40 between 18 and 30; hundreds between 11 and 18; and the whole thing works!

... you know you have brothers all over the world.

... you have seen the spiritual power the outdoors can have on men and boys.

... you have helped raise each other's children. You are proud of the mentors your sons have found.

... You know who in your troop can really cook and who's talent lies in dishwashing. And, you think a pan of warm water feels pretty good after dinner.

... if you catch yourself singing "God Bless My Underwear" when it's time to sing "God Bless America".

... if you say "signs up" in a business meeting to quiet everyone down.

... if you turn down a raspberry almond torte for a spoonful of Dutch Oven peach cobbler.

... if you find yourself discussing the relative merits of internal-versus external-frame packs at a seminar.

... if you hear someone refer to 'S&M', and you chime in with, 'no, the acronym is SM.'"

... if your closets are full and they don't contain clothes, but craft stuff.

... if you have a special weaved belt loop cup holder.

... if you know more than two ways to light a fire.

... if your gourmet meal consists of cornbread, "Spam," and bug-juice.

... if your idea of a burned-out lightbulb is a broken mantle.

... if your front door has a zipper instead of a deadbolt.

... if your last birthday cake was prepared and served in a Dutch Oven.

... if you're the only one on your block with a fire pit in your back yard.

... if you've ever been mistaken for a park ranger or a State Trooper.

... if your "family vacation" includes 30 kids your wife/husband doesn't know if the trash collector has ever requested that you not hang your bags between the trees in the parkway.

... if you've ever heard the phrase, "Trust me, it's only an hour a week!!"

Scouting with Computers

From: "Marie E. Lackore"
Subject: Wednesday's Humor

Being the computer nuts that we are, everyone will appreciate the humor below!

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.

Log Off: Don't add wood.

Monitor: Keep an eye on the wood stove.

Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)

Floppy Disk: Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.

Disk Operating System: The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk.

RAM: The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.

Hard Drive: Gettin' home in mud season.

Prompt: What you wish the mail was in mud season.

Windows: What to shut when it's 30 below.

Screen: What you need for black fly season.

Byte: What black flies do.

Chip: What to munch on.

Micro Chip: What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.

Infrared: Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.

Modem: What you did to the hay fields.

Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.

Printer: Someone who can't write in cursive.

Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy

Keyboard: Where you hang your keys.

Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.

486 MB: One of them fancy imported cars.

Mouse: What eats the horses' grain in the barn.

Main Frame: The part of the barn that holds the roof up.

Port: Fancy wine.

Enter: C'mon in!

Random Access Memory: You can't remember how much that new rifle cost when

your wife asks.

Digital: Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.

Apple: If you don't know, I ain't tellin'.

Program: What's on TV when there's reception.

CD ROM: The furiner at the bank that sells retirement accounts.

DIN: The noise at the barn dance.

Laser: Someone less ambitious than you.

Line In: Whatcha do when you go fishin' or whacha dry yer laundry on.

Gathering H20, Bay-Lakes Council